


A Moment in a Mad World

by silvernight22



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anger, Commander Erwin Smith, Declarations Of Love, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eren Yeager is a test subject, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Hange Zoë, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hange Zoë Being Hange Zoë, Hange is obsessed with Eren, Horseback Riding, Horses, Levi swears a lot, Literal Sleeping Together, Love, Love Confessions, Marriage Proposal, Minor Levi/Petra Ral, OC is collateral, Obsession, One-Sided Levi/Petra Ral, Peaceful days, Science Experiments, Scientist Hange Zoë, Sleeping Together, Swearing, Unconventional Marriage Proposal, best friends with Petra Ral, erwin smith knows what's going on, erwin smith sees all knows all, hange zoe is a smart cookie, levi has a potty mouth, pre-sex talk, real talk, scheming OC, sleep deprived levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvernight22/pseuds/silvernight22
Summary: Insane wasn’t even remotely adequate to describe the lives we led. It was hard to imagine a single moment could fix any of that. But strangely enough, it did. [Levi Ackerman x OC]
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Character(s), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s), Levi/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	A Moment in a Mad World

Peace was hard to come by. A rare commodity in my chosen occupation. Between life-threatening recon missions, a squad leader who was as strange and unpredictable as an abnormal titan, and the reoccurring nightmares that left me crazed and disoriented at night, there was hardly any time to breathe let alone sleep. 

Indeed, peace was hard to come by in the survey corps. So, when I found a sliver of it this morning, a nice, green, soft-looking pasture dotted with a million vibrant, purple irises; situated somewhere between the castle-turned-headquarters and the main road; not a single wall, titan, or squad leader in sight, I decided five minutes to myself probably wouldn’t kill anybody. 

Dismounting my beige steed, I ground-tied her to a nearby tree, and made my way further down into the hilly plains. 

The wind blew softly, carrying with it the sweet scent of sunbaked flowers. As the grass rippled, I was struck with the sudden yearning to feel more of nature. Discarding my socks and shoes, I planted my feet into the soil. The earth felt damp. Despite the late morning sun, the last dregs of morning dew clung stubbornly. The tall blades of grass tickled at my ankles. My thin mattress was no doubt softer than the ground, but out here in the bright morning sun, I felt like, maybe, just maybe, I had a chance of escaping the nightmares that habitually haunted my room.

I sank into the slope, welcoming the novel feeling of grass cushioned beneath me. I closed my eyes. The air caressed my face, cool and refreshing. The songs of various unidentifiable birds and insects buzzed around me. To someone more narrow-minded, unsolicited noises would have been considered irate. But I was a survey corps veteran. We couldn’t afford to be small-minded. Not with our jobs. Not when we were losing people left and right. Not when the fate of humanity rested in our hands. Not when we knew, better than anyone, that progress couldn’t be made without sacrifice. 

I breathed out a long sigh. Trauma and her sister, Stress, sat on my lungs, not even slightly shaken. Sometimes it felt like they would squat there forever. But at least this time I could breathe. The air tasted crisp and somehow nourishing.

My eyes fluttered opened. I was greeted with the stunning expanse of a brilliant blue sky. Large fluffy clouds splotched randomly across an endless canvas. White against blue. They moved like 10-metered titans, slow and lethargic. As if they had all the time in the world. As if they enjoyed mocking those of us who didn’t. 

But I wasn’t about to let them steal the last laugh. No way in hell. This was my life. I was in charge of my own destiny. Not the titans, not God, and certainly not heaven’s fluffed-up pillows. I made my own choices. And I would be damned if I let anyone, or thing, take that away from me. No matter how shitty my cards were, no matter what fucker up there has got it in for me, I was going to throw everything I had right back into their faces. 

Finding shapes and meaning in the clouds, I let out boisterous fits of laughter, as ducks and castles, hearts and horses, sparrows and titans floated on by. I figured the noises that bubbled from my chest made me sound as mad as Hanji. But I couldn’t care less. Maybe it was because I was sleep deprived, maybe it was because I had finally snapped under all the sustained cruelty that Fate loved to dole out, maybe it was because I was still in shock that five minutes could feel so… drastically different. There was so much calm. So much I could feel that I never realized I missed feeling. Sights, sounds, scents, textures, tastes. I was stupendously lucky all my basic senses were still intact. And I was stupendously daft for depriving them of everything other than war for so long. 

Five minutes and the world was transformed from a battleground littered with bodies to a blooming field filled with the smallest of life; from a long mind-numbing strategy meeting to a short sweet breath of crisp morning air; from a deranged, ethics-debatable experiment, staffed by an equally deranged squad leader, to a sun-filled moment of clarity, presence, and peace; from back-breaking courtyard cleaning to insane laughter-inducing cloud gazing. It was five minutes well spent. Five minutes I was reluctant to let end. Five minutes I wanted to make ten. Then fifteen. Then twenty. Then thirty. 

So, I did.

* * *

I wasn’t sure when I had dozed off, but I was suddenly rudely awakened by the emphatic call of my name.

“Katja! Katja, wake up!” 

Sleep’s foggy veil had yet to lift from my mind, but I wasn’t so far gone that I didn’t recognize the voice.

“Petra.” I wasn’t sure if I was addressing her or confirming a fact for myself. 

My eyes fluttered opened as I lazily regarded the scene before me. As expected, there was Petra peering down at me from upon her snow-white horse. What wasn’t expected was the admonishing frown set on her face.

I sighed. “Unless the castle’s on fire, there’s really no need to yell nor look at me like that.” 

She wasn’t amused with my response. Clambering down from Petals, she leered over me, both hands perched on her waist. It seemed to be her signature pose for admonishment. 

“Captain Levi has been looking everywhere for you. You were supposed to clean the courtyard. If he finds you slacking off out here you’ll have more than hell to pay.”

I stared up at her with absolutely no intention of rising from my lain position. 

“First of all, _Eren_ was supposed to clean the courtyard. Not me. Secondly, I don’t answer to Levi. Hanji’s my squad leader. So, if your captain has a problem with me, he can take it up with her.”

Petra sighed. She knew I was only being difficult because I was upset. This wasn’t the first time Hanji put me in this position. And this wasn’t the first time I was boycotting her and Levi’s unauthorized pacts either.

“I know you don’t like being treated as collateral, but try to understand. The only reason that this deal was even made possible was because you’re valuable. You and Eren both.”

I almost scoffed at that. The only value Hanji saw in me was acting as monetary loan for the newest experimental subject she was currently obsessed with: Eren Jager. 

“It’s not comforting to know that having value means you’re treated like property,” I shot back. “As if dealing with Hanji’s insanity wasn’t enough, now I have to put up with your neurotic ass of a captain too? No fucking way. I never asked for two squad leaders. If they keep trading me like this, I’ll report them for abuse of power. Erwin will listen to me.” 

Petra raised an eyebrow at that. 

“I don’t think Commander Erwin has much time for soldiers who can’t respect rank.”

I deliberately caught her gaze then. 

“I respect rank, Petra. I would die if they commanded me to. But I won’t stand for their disrespect. I’m not some merchant property they can just pass around as they please.”

Petra threw both hands up in surrender.

“I swear on my life, your pride is going to be the death of you, Katja.”

“Hey, it’s not like you’ve only just met me.” 

Petra shook her head. She knew me too well. That’s what the cadet corps did to all their recruits. They bonded you to one another whether you wanted to be bound or not. Absolute trust in each other was a prerequisite when it came to facing a common threat. Luckily or unluckily, Petra and I had been trained together since the very beginning. 

She reached for the horn of her saddle, knowing full well that no matter what she said, she wouldn’t be able to convince me to return. 

“I always thought you were stubborn. I didn’t think you were stupid too. Captain Levi will gut you alive for abandoning your duties.” 

I laughed dryly. 

“You revere him too much. The worse he could do is string me up by my haunches.”

“Not that that hasn’t happened before. Honestly Katja, I’m not always going to be here to save you from your smart mouth.” [1]

I waved off her concern.

“If I die, I die. But rest assured, I’ll be dying with my dignity intact.”

Petra hoisted herself onto Petals. She hesitated then, fixing me with a forlorn gaze. 

“I’ll try my best to cover for you. But you better brace yourself. Captain Levi won’t let this go unpunished. I bet if it came down to it, he’d even come after you himself.” 

I grinned widely at that.

“Oh, trust me. I’m counting on it.” 

Petra furrowed a brow, perplexed by my glee. Lack of self-preservation wasn’t exactly uncommon among members of the survey corps. However, downright giddiness when faced with your own mortality was a little more unheard of. Petra wasn’t sure if my personality had always been this strange, or if being around Squad Leader Hanji just had an additive effect. Whatever the case, she didn’t really want to stick around to find out. Not only did she not have the time, but she also knew the gradual loss of sanity was an inevitable part of our jobs. 

As Petra urged her mare into a canter, I closed my eyes, contently listening to Petal’s galloping as it faded into the distance. I vaguely wondered how long I had before Levi came to pass judgement. Five minutes, maybe? Or perhaps, ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Thirty.

* * *

The sounds of heavy hoof falls roused me from my dreamless state. I recognized the power behind those strides. There were only a handful of stallions in the survey corps. Mares were our stock of choice as they were more docile and less likely to spook. Male horses, on the other hand, were considered too aggressive and temperamental to train. Figures Levi would have the personality needed to match with one… if not the stature. 

I barely flinched when the thundering gait halted, replaced instead by the sound of heavy boots hitting the ground. Levi never made much noise when he walked, yet his presence was somehow heftier and more crushing than anything with weight. 

I breathed deep, feigning sleep, only to choke when a foot made non-gentle contact with my side. I immediately curled in on myself, groaning in response to the unexpected attack. 

“Get up,” Levi barked, mood more fowl than the last time I remembered. I knew he could be brutal, ruthless even, but I didn’t anticipate just how short his fuse had become. I grimaced. He’d been neglecting sleep more than he’d admit. I didn’t need to look at him to know his eye bags were larger and darker than ever. 

“The fuck, Levi!” I whined as I sat up, rubbing my sides, attempting to soothe away the hurt. “Would it kill you to have some tact?” 

“Coming from the one who’s so blatantly disobeying direct orders?” Levi scoffed. “You’re asking for a beating, Weissman.” 

I frowned. He knew better than to call me by my last name. I bit the inside of my cheek. He was more riled up than I thought. He wouldn’t invoke my late keeper’s name if he wasn’t serious. He knew what it did to me. What it made me feel. 

The brand between my cleavage throbbed uncomfortably. I tried not to claw at the mark, knowing it would be futile. I dug my nails into my palms hard enough to leave crescents. A past burned into my body. A past I could never forget no matter how I tried to wreck the skin. Levi had a right to be angry. But he had no right to use my trust against me like this. No way. I wouldn’t stand for it.

“It’s Katja,” I said, voice as hard as the steel in his eyes. Neither of us blinked. Neither of us were willing to back down. That was the thing with Levi and me. We were both stubborn to a fault. It was one of the two main reasons we couldn’t be in the same squad together. Because then nothing would ever get done. It wasn’t about rank or respect or any administrative bullshit like that, it was about me. I was my own person. Someone I finally found. And I would be damned if I let anyone own me like that bastard of a son Scott Weissman did ever again. 

I narrowed my gaze. Levi was no stranger to my past. Not when I told him so blatantly and readily that night we lay together. That night where lines were blurred and crossed and erased. Lines that could never be drawn back exactly the same way as they had been before. Lines that we were still learning how to trace, how to navigate. As we stared heatedly at each other, I couldn’t help but be reminded of that night. His gaze seemed to shimmer in the midday heat, glowing almost as brightly as they did in the blanketed dark. 

I was my own person. But I knew if Levi asked, I would surrender everything I had to him. And that was the second reason we couldn’t be in the same squad. Because emotional attachment made it exceptionally hard to follow orders, especially if those orders went against personal priorities. 

My gaze softened, and Levi’s shoulders tensed. He wasn’t expecting me to drop my guard so early, so readily. Not when he was still burning with irritation. 

“Come here,” I murmured.

Levi watched me, unsure of what I was trying to pull. 

I patted the ground emphatically. He stood unmoving. 

I sighed.

“Do you really want to go at it right now? Because I will fight you for calling me by that pig’s name.” 

Levi frowned.

“I wouldn’t need to call you any names if you just did what you were told.”

I sighed in exasperation, pinching the tip of a tall blade of grass. It was scratchy to the touch, much to my surprise. 

“I don’t take orders from you, Levi. Hanji’s my squad leader for a reason. If you want to write me up for insubordination then be my guest. We both know Erwin won’t fire me anyway.” 

Levi grumbled. “Well he should. I don’t know why he keeps your unruly ass around.” 

I looked at him then, all thoughts of the peculiarity of grass abandoned. 

“Because he knows my unruly ass is the only one that can tame yours.”

Levi held my gaze. He seemed to want to rebuke my claim but thought better. Levi never trusted anyone’s judgement. Not even his own. But he had absolute faith in Erwin. And Erwin had absolute faith in me. Because no one could talk back to the lance corporal and live. No one except me. And Erwin was smart enough to know that was important. Regardless of whether Levi himself realized it or not. I was important. And it seemed like both Levi and I were just recently starting to see why. 

Levi scoffed. “That’s bullshit.”

I smiled. Levi was a lot of things. But he was never one to admit sentimentality, that, or being in the wrong. 

“You know I’m right. Now, sit down before you collapse. You’re running on fumes. When was the last time you slept?”

Levi hesitated. I didn’t know if it was because he was trying to recall when the last time he closed his eyes for more than five minutes was, or because he was having a hard time putting down the weight of his corporal duties. But, just in case it was the latter… 

I grabbed his hand and pulled hard. Levi made a surprised grunt, before losing his balance and falling into my lap. 

He made to right himself, but a firm hand to his forehead stilled him. 

“Five minutes,” I murmured. Then because I wasn’t beyond begging for him to be nice to himself, I added, “Please.” 

Levi clicked his tongue. “You’re in no position to be asking me for favors, Katja.” 

I almost sighed in relief. He was using my first name again, which meant his anger towards me had dissipated somewhat. 

“I’m asking, Levi, because you won’t.” Then, just to appease him further, “Five minutes. Then, I’ll clean your stupid courtyard after. I promise. Okay?”

Levi tensed as a sudden thought occurred to him. 

“Oi, don’t tell me _this_ was your plan all along. To piss me off enough so that I’d come all the way out here to collect your dumb fucking ass just so you could harass me into submitting to your stupid whims.”

I absently smoothed out his furrowed brows with my thumb.

“You can’t call it a whim if it was planned, Levi. I know you better than you think. But I don’t think I can say the same for you. Honestly, did you think sending Petra after me would work in your favor? You forget, I know her too well.” 

Levi sighed. I felt his muscles go lax under my touch. My fingers seemed to rub away his will for anymore animosity. He closed his eyes in defeat. 

“Yeah, well, I thought she would know you too.”

I paused, hands stilling for just an instant before resuming its course. Levi sensed the change in my demeanor and cracked his eyes open. He regarded me intensely, expectantly. 

“She does know me,” I said softly. “I just know her better.” 

Levi didn’t miss the guilt in my voice. 

It was an unspoken truth in Levi’s Special Operation Squad. A non-secret that everyone was aware of but none dared to voice. The non-secret that Petra Ral was hopelessly in love with Levi Ackerman. 

A blind man couldn’t miss the way she fumbled, stuttered, and tensed every time Levi’s name came up. She was too conscious of him. Too aware of his actions, and not aware enough of her own. She didn’t notice how her honey-colored eyes always wandered toward his figure whenever he was in the same room. Didn’t notice that she was always bringing up his name in every conversation no matter how irrelevant to the topic it seemed. Didn’t notice that she was always searching for reminders of him in the everyday: gaze lingering too long on his favourite tea tin, touch lingering too softly on his horse tack, thoughts lingering too often on him. 

I didn’t know if Petra was aware of her feelings for Levi. I had asked her about it before, but she had chalked it up to profound respect. I didn’t know if she was lying to fool me or to fool herself. I didn’t know if she was lying to fool anyone. Petra was a skilled, hardened soldier, an honorary member of the most elite squad in the entire survey corps, but she had one major flaw: she was genuine to a fault. That was, in part, what made reading her so easy. And, in part, what made understanding herself so hard. Because love, no matter what the world wanted you to think, was the most disingenuous of all emotions. It cheated, and it lied; it deceived and it deluded; it robbed and it destroyed, whether you wanted it to or not. Love was messy and illogical and someone as genuine and forthright as Petra would have a very hard time playing its game. Not that it was supposed to be a game. Not that I even wanted to be a player. But like the truth of this walled world we lived in, we were rarely ever granted choice. 

Levi touched my cheek when I stayed silent for too long. He didn’t speak until I met his gaze. 

“It’s not your fault.” An emphatic statement. If only intonation was enough to get people to believe in words. The world would be so much simpler then. 

I sighed into his touch. It wasn’t the first time we were having this conversation. 

“It would kill her.” My voice cracked, unable to contain my remorse. 

Levi cupped my face more firmly. 

“It won’t kill her. She’s stronger than you think.” 

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You will if you don’t tell her.” 

I grimaced. I knew he was right. But, I didn’t want him to be. So, I wasted my breath on a pointless argument. 

“Are you suggesting I make a public announcement then?”

Levi paused. Then shrugged. 

“If that’s how you want to tell her.” 

I scowled. He was being too dismissive. Which meant he was calling my bluff. Levi knew as well as I did that neither of us wanted that kind of attention. But that didn’t mean I was done coming up with excuses.

“What if Petra tells the rest of your squad? It could change your reputation.” 

“You know she won’t. It’s not in her nature. She’s not the big-mouthed idiot of the group. Fortunately, or rather, unfortunately, that position’s already taken.”

I knew he was referring to Oluo. 

I chuckled. “You know that old fart just looks up to you. They all do.”

Levi sighed, hands dropping from my cheek. The weight of his eyelids fell heavily. I could almost see the million and one thoughts that buzzed around in his head. 

“Yeah, well sometimes I wish they wouldn’t.” I couldn’t miss the exhaustion in his voice. Being humanity’s strongest was no easy feat. Knowing what took precedence, I dropped my childish charade. There was no point, my problem had long been solved. I idly brushed the bangs from his face, trying to think of the best response.

I could reassure him he was a good leader. I could advise him to stop trying to carry the weight of the world, to stop trying to take responsibility for everyone and everything. I could offer to solicit time off for him from Erwin. But none of these options seemed sufficient. Because humanity’s strongest wasn’t just a title that was bestowed on him. It was born from him, from who he was at the core. It was a title that wouldn’t be passed on to anyone else, at least not anytime soon. Because Levi Ackerman was nature’s anomaly. An honorary, possibly divine, mistake that came around once in a life time, if not seven. 

“Do you resent it?” I asked instead. Sometimes, all people needed was an interested listener. 

“Who? Them?” Levi asked. 

“Everyone,” I clarified. “Your teammates. Erwin who dragged you into this whole mess in the first place. Society and their ridiculously unfounded expectations. Being humanity’s strongest. The giant assholes wreaking havoc outside of the walls. All of it.” 

Levi sighed heavily. The breath he let out fanned against my arm, as I twirled absently at his bangs. 

“That’s a loaded question, soldier.”

“If you’re stalling because you don’t want to answer, then just tell me. Believe me, I can take it. You’ve done worse things to my trust.”

Levi chuckled at the defensiveness coloring my tone. 

“I’m stalling because I don’t know how to answer. Relax, Katja. I don’t think there’s anything about me you don’t already know.” _Anything that I wouldn’t willingly give up to you if you asked._ He didn’t say it, but the way he paused, the way he looked at me, all serene and earnest and unguarded. It made me feel like that was what he was thinking. Like I was the only one he trusted enough to show his vulnerabilities to. Like I was the only one he trusted enough to just be less around. Like I was the only one he trusted enough to understand all the complexities, nuances, and walking contradictions that he carried. 

After a couple of seconds, or maybe it was minutes, Levi spoke up. 

“I resent a lot of things,” he began, “My past, my present, the bleak outlook of the future. I resent how there are pea-brained idiots out there who don’t know shit about what we do or what we see, but will still somehow have the damned gall to judge and criticize us for all of our losses despite never having seen a real fucking titan.”

He sighed.

“I used to resent Erwin for what he did, leading me on so I would join the corps. For the longest time, I was obsessed with getting revenge on him. To get him back for playing me for a fool. But then I realized that only shits like him were insane enough to lead us. So, I followed him instead.”

A pause. 

“As for my teammates…” 

A longer pause. Then another sigh.

“It’s not their reverence that I resent. It’s the fact that I can’t live up to it. To any of it.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, “Like you resent their expectations?” 

Levi shook his head. “I resent my own weakness.”

I choked on a dry laugh. 

“That better be a joke. If you think you’re weak, what does that make everybody else?”

Levi sighed. 

“I don’t mean it like that.” 

He paused for a second. Levi didn’t often talk about his feelings. Partly because there just wasn’t enough time in the day, or night, to ruminate on something so comparably trivial. And partly because feelings were exceedingly difficult to put into words. Because feelings were… well, feelings. Things that were felt, not expressed. He chewed on his inner lip, searching for another way to rephrase his thoughts. 

“It’s like we’re headless ants,” he said eventually, “just crawling around, blind and frantic, trying to survive, but some asshole’s got a magnifying glass and a boot, and they’re just watching in enjoyment as they slaughter us one by one.”

“So, you resent God.” I knew that wasn’t it.

“I don’t believe in God.”

“I know.” I paused thinking. “Fate, then?”

“Don’t believe in that crap either.”

I gave him a wistful glance. 

“Is there _anything_ you believe in?”

Levi fell silent for another moment.

“My own abilities,” he said finally. “Erwin. You.” 

It clicked for me, then, what he was getting at. Levi didn’t believe in any inane, unseen higher power. He believed in facts and what was. Things he could perceive and assess. It wasn’t the asshole with the magnifying glass he was concerned about. It was the fact that he was comparing all the things and people he believed in to headless ants. It wasn’t his own weakness he resented per se. It was the seeming weakness of his combined beliefs. 

“You resent being a headless ant.”

Levi’s chuckle sounded more like a scoff. “I guess that’s one way to put it.”

I hummed, not quite knowing what I should tell him. Not quite knowing how I could curtail what he thought. I eventually decided to try for anecdote.

“Did you know that a decapitated ant can live up to 41 days?” [2]

Levi raised an eyebrow at that. 

“Hanji did an experiment once,” I continued. “She was bored out of her mind because she had no test subjects, so she wrangled me into helping her dig up this little anthill beside the barracks. She made me watch as she lopped off their heads with a scalpel. She wanted me to help, but I drew the line at dismemberment. She came up with a few other experimental groups too, plucking the limbs from some and disemboweling others.” 

Levi closed his eyes, grunting in displeasure at the mental image my words conjured. 

“Anyway, my point is, even without a head, even without limbs, even without a stomach, those ants did what they could to survive. They were feeble and weak and pathetic. But still they survived…” 

I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. 

“I guess what I’m saying is, even if we’re headless, even if there’s a giant asshole up there who’s got it in for us, the fact is, we aren’t dead yet. And I think being not dead, or I guess, in better terms, being alive, well… that’s got to count for something, right? ‘Cuz why else would everyone cling to life so desperately if they didn’t think it was worth something?” 

I set my gaze further into the meadow. Worth was a fairly new concept to me. A concept Levi helped me to reclaim. A concept that I now found and saw in everything because of him. 

“And you’re dead ass wrong about your worth Levi. You’re not a headless ant. But if you insist on using that analogy, then I guess you can say you’re the headless-ant general. And yeah, one headless ant seems appallingly feeble when compared to a 6-foot-tall ant killer, but you really need to stop thinking you’re the only one who can take on those bastards. You have teammates for a reason. And I know you hate being made to lead them, because leading means choosing, and I know how much you hate choosing. But you’re damn good at it Levi. Because you know your squad. You know their capabilities and their shortcomings. And I know yours. So, trust me when I say this, with your lead, we’ll swarm those bastards alive, 6-foot tall or 50.” 

I nodded in content. For someone who had next to no experience in making speeches, I thought I did a darn good job. I’d say it even rivaled one of the many motivational commentaries that Erwin loved to dole out just before we set out for a mission beyond the walls. I was so busy mentally applauding myself, I didn’t realize Levi hadn’t responded. 

Frowning, I looked down. 

“Levi, I swear on your ass, if you fell asleep—“ I stopped short. Levi’s face was displayed plainly before me, unmarred by expression or exhaustion. Every muscle in his body had gone soft. He was the epitome of serenity. Levi wasn’t young by any means, but when he let his guard down like this, he looked almost boyish.

I felt my heart lurch. 

It was annoying how I couldn’t find even an ounce of anger to direct towards him. He had missed possibly the best speech I would ever make. One I wasn’t confident I could re-create in its entirety. Yet, all I felt towards him was overwhelming adoration and relief. 

This was what I had wanted all along; the reason I had deliberately skipped out on courtyard cleaning: To lure him out here and force him to get some shut eye. Granted, I didn’t think my words would be what did him in. Guess I really wasn’t cut out to be an inspirational leader—a thought that made me appreciate Erwin more. 

Levi’s breathing was steady as I studied his face. 

I never thought it was possible to feel this much for Levi. Five weeks ago, we were threatening to cut each other’s heads off. Now, just the mere thought of losing him made it difficult to breathe. Which absolutely sucked. Because in our line of work, attachment was a luxury we couldn’t afford. We both knew that. But still we fell. Slowly at first, reined in by self-deception and futile lies. Then all at once; suddenly, aggressively, completely. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And it was killing me that I couldn’t talk to my best friend about it. 

I sighed, heavily. Leaning back on my hands, I looked up toward the sky. 

Levi was right. I had to talk to Petra. 

I grimaced. I didn’t know how I was going to break it to her. She was definitely going to hate me. And then she was going to hate herself for hating me, because that was the kind of person she was. Truthfully, the thought of ending whatever this was between Levi and I had crossed my mind. But when I told Hanji about my thoughts one drunken night in the canteen, she pulled out her compass and proceeded to conduct another one of her many spontaneous science experiments—though this time, on a much smaller and simpler scale. 

Apparently, according to how she explained it, Levi and I were like magnets. For the longest time, we repelled one another, too headstrong, too stubborn. But then something changed, a pole flipped. And there was instant attraction. However, it was what Hanji said next that stuck with me the most. The thing with magnets was that when they found each other, they didn’t separate. Not without some kind of an external force. I didn’t know if Petra was going to be that force. I didn’t know if I wanted her to be.

Somewhere further down the meadow, a songbird chirped. 

I focused on Levi’s breathing, matching his inhales and exhales, trying to ground myself. 

Five. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Thirty. How many more breaths could we take together like this before everything came crashing down? Before I decided to put Petra’s feelings first? Before we got kicked out of the corps for defying its rules? Before one of us got mauled by a titan? Before we died of exhaustion?

Oh, we were fucking disasters just waiting to happen. Inevitable. Inconceivable. Indiscernible. 

I didn’t know how much time had passed when I suddenly heard Levi’s breath catch. I knew he was on the verge of waking. It could have been a nightmare he wouldn’t let start, it could have been some bird or insect that chirped too loudly, it could have been the wind that rippled across the field. But before he could utter a mumble—heck, even before he could open his eyes – I leaned down and kissed him. 

It was usually beyond difficult to catch Levi off guard. I would know. I’d been trying for years, just because I liked to mess with him. But recently, I learned. The trick wasn’t to actively catch the moment Levi let down his guard. It was to sneak up on it. And I was getting better at knowing when that moment was.

It took a few seconds for reality to catch up to him, but when it did, Levi responded. I loved when he kissed me like this. When he wasn’t alert enough to think about what he was doing. When he gave me everything I wanted, no holds barred. All lust, and want, and carnal desires. 

I was about to pull away for air, but Levi suddenly shifted his weight, pushing me down onto the grassy hill. His hands were iron against my wrists. I wanted to touch him, but all he would let me feel was his lips against mine. Urgent and needy. 

I knew in that moment just how fucked I was. Control was an illusion in our relationship. Hanji was right. There was no way I was going to just willingly give Levi up. Not when it felt this good. I couldn’t do it. Not even if it was to save Petra’s feelings. Not even if it was to save every last person in the universe from getting eaten by Titans. Not even if it was to save myself from being swallowed whole by him. 

Oh fuck. We were both disasters just waiting to happen. Inevitable. Inconceivable. Indiscernible. 

But in this moment, we were so, so incandescent.

* * *

The sky was just starting to turn pink when Levi and I started a swift gait back to the castle. 

“Damn it, Katja. I should be assigning you double stable duty plus a week’s worth of courtyard cleaning for this stunt you pulled. Do you know how behind I am on those damned mission reports? Erwin’s been hounding my ass for them.” 

“Yeah, well, considering how torn up the grass was, you can’t say you didn’t enjoy it.” 

Levi rolled his eyes, but I wasn’t about to let him dismiss my genius of a strategy so easily.

“Admit it, my plan worked. Tell me this wasn’t the best you’ve slept in weeks.”

“This wasn’t the best I slept in weeks,” Levi said flatly.

“Bullshit.”

He smiled softly. At first I thought it was because he found my vehement response amusing. But there was a slight bitterness to his smile that made me second guess myself. 

“I think this was the first I’ve slept in weeks,” Levi confessed eventually. 

And there it was. My heart tugged at his admission, and my hands mirrored the action. Sunshine slowed her gait. Levi frowned when he noticed I was lagging.

“What are you doing?” He asked, turning in his saddle. 

I bit my lip, glancing at the ground. 

“Levi…” A pause. Then, making sure my resolve was intact, I looked at him. “When you say things like that, it makes me wish I didn’t leave your squad.”

“So, come back,” Levi said simply. “That four-eyed alien doesn’t know how to use you anyway.”

I sighed.

“You know damn well why I can’t,” I said, levelling my gaze with his. “And Hanji’s not that bad when you get passed all that crazy. At least she doesn’t intentionally piss me off by calling me my last name.”

Levi scoffed.

“Honestly Katja, if you hate your last name so much, you should just change it.”

I smirked. Unable to resist teasing him, I squeezed Sunshine’s hide, urging her forward until Levi’s legs brushed against mine. 

“Oh? Are you perhaps offering yours?” I asked, peering at him with what could only be described as a coquettish gleam. 

It was a game we liked to play. Or rather, _I_ liked to play. It was a game that involved shameless flirting on my end, and irritated dismissal on his. Because, at the end of the day, Levi was a realist. And he knew better than anyone that further pursuance of a relationship was not only unfeasible but downright stupid for frontline soldiers like us to entertain. 

It was supposed to be a harmless game. One that I invented way back when I deliberately liked causing trouble for him. I still did, of course. But recently, I found it was getting to be an increasingly more difficult game to play. Because it wasn’t a joke to me anymore. I wanted the real deal. 

No longer wanting to wait for his reply, I dropped my act, and made to carry on. 

“If you want it,” Levi declared, suddenly. “My last name… I’ll give it to you.” 

I froze in my trek. My eyes widened as the reality of his words hit me. Whipping around with enough force to cause a neck injury, I searched Levi’s face to make sure that he wasn’t cracking a stupid joke, that he wasn’t trying to pull a fast one on me. 

What I found on his face… God, I don’t think I’d ever seen him look more serious. 

“I want it,” I blurted. 

Levi looked at me. I could tell he was already reconsidering the offer. It was a bad idea. We both knew it was a terrible idea. Marriage was unheard of in the survey corps, if not already banned. Plus, we’d been dating for all of five weeks, too early to be rushing into such decisions. I knew without looking at him that Levi would rescind the offer, play it off as a joke. He had to. There was no way this was going to work. Not with the jobs we had. Not if we wanted to save humanity. We couldn’t afford to be anymore distracted than we already were. 

But I wasn’t ready. 

“Shut up,” I said before Levi had a chance to breathe. Taking his hand, I laced my fingers through his. “You can tell me you were lying later. Just let me have this moment.” 

It was a moment I desperately wanted to treasure. This moment where two people could profess their love for each other without heed to any consequence. Where we could pretend we weren’t the people we were and that we didn’t have the responsibilities we had. A moment of endless possibility. If I had a choice, I would live a thousand lifetimes in this moment. Because sometimes that was all we had. A moment. 

A moment before life, a moment before death, a moment before love, a moment before forever [3]. 

Just a single moment in this mad, _mad_ world. 

And sometimes, just knowing we had that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> **Footnotes:**
> 
> [1] TT^TT What is this lame foreshadowing?! If you’re new to the fandom, sorry for the possible spoiler alert. But in my defense, it’s kind of old news by now.  
> [2] Because fact-checking is important in storytelling: Fielde, A. M. (1904). Tenacity of Life in Ants. The Biological Bulletin, 7(6), 300-309. doi:10.2307/1535614  
> Also, let me just highlight the very questionable ethics in experiments conducted in 1904. Maiming, dismembering, decapitating, disemboweling, food deprivation, submergence, poisoning… Pretty sure none of these would fly in experiments today.  
> [3] I’m working under the assumption that marriage is forever, but that’s a hard stretch in any universe. Maybe a good dystopian premise though, or utopian, depending on where you’re coming from. 
> 
> **Author’s note:**
> 
> I started this piece back in June/July. Finally found the motivation to finish. It was supposed to be about finding peace and tranquility, namely, helping Levi to find it. But it got kind of angsty/depressing at the end there. Ah well, I guess it is what it is. I’m not gonna lie, Levi was an intimidating character to write for. But he’s on the page now. Thoughts? Comments? Let me know!
> 
> Also, I have a [ Twitter](https://twitter.com/sylviaknight22) account, if anyone's interested in following!


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